I love Sydney, I really do. Could I live there. Maybe. Maybe not. But what I love most about Sydney is the idea of the Sydney lifestyle. And when I read this piece by British born, Sydney based blogger/journalist Nadia Elshawarby of Little London Girl Lost - This piece cracked me up when I first read it. Sit down, grab a coffee and prepare to laugh a little (or a lot).
I’ll get straight to the point. Bondi is a cliquey sort of place. You may think just because you’re walking around in a pair of little denim shorts, eating a Paddle Pop and perving on the Lifeguards that you’re officially a local. Well i’ve got news for you my friend, you’re not. In actual fact you stick out like a sore thumb. Your denim shorts are cutting into your pale and pasty legs., your traveller beads scream ‘backpacker’ - and shouting at the top of your voice, “Oh my god I can’t believe it’s summer in December, this is MAD!” every five minutes, kinda gives the game away that in fact, you’re very much a tourist - destined to forever be on the outside, looking in longingly at the beautiful people.
Now ordinarily i’d tell you to forget it. That you stand absolutely no chance of ever fitting in in a world where every girl has legs up to her armpits, and every guy considers a six pack untoned. (Eight or ten packs are mandatory) However, fear not my Bondi wannabes. After weeks of careful observation and blatant eavesdropping, I have come up with the definitive guide to becoming a member of the Bondi Brigade. Read. Learn. Become.
1) Firstly, and most importantly, YOU MUST RUN EVERYWHERE - NEVER. EVER. STOP. The single most noticeable thing about Bondi is the absolute obsession with fitness. (Hence everyone looking like they’ve stepped off a Health and Fitness magazine shoot) And you can’t just jog, you need to sprint! Make sure you tut when people get in your way and jog on the spot like a person possessed when waiting at traffic lights. And whatever you do, never ever think you can get away with ‘power walking’. Walking is a sign of weakness. And there’s no room for weakness in Bondi
2) Only exercise in public. Make a show of it. Pound the pavement loudly to make people aware of your presence. Stop at the outdoor gyms dotted along the coastal walk and bust out a couple of thousand stomach crunches or so - then continue pounding that pavement. Afterwards, rant to anyone who’ll listen about how you ran 20million kms to Darwin and back, all before sunrise. People need to know these things.
3) When exercising, try to wear as little as possible. If you absolutely must wear clothes, make sure they are skimpy and revealing - you haven’t put all this effort in to getting your thighs of steel and washboard stomach to keep them hidden. You are a thing of beauty for others to behold.
4) Own a dog, or ten. Your dog is your pride and joy, it goes everywhere with you. If you had to choose between throwing your child or dog off the edge of a cliff, the child would go.
5) Carry a surfboard under your arm at all times. Make sure it’s surgically attached to you. Even if you don’t surf, hell even if you don’t swim - it’s all part of the look. Also, it’s important to make sure you’re seen running with it in the general direction of the beach. Once again running shows off your fitness and also displays your keenness to catch a wave. Naturally your wetsuit will be unzipped to the waist, (Don’t you dare waste a single opportunity to show off that body) your golden hair flowing behind you in the breeze. Like I said, it’s all part of the look. WAIT!! ARE YOU STILL RUNNING?? Good, just checking.
6) When you’re not carrying your surfboard (although really, why would you not carry it?) try and be seen with some flippers, a fishing rod or some other type of beach paraphernalia. You are at one with the ocean.
7) It’s common knowledge that you’re only allowed to wear shoes 20% of the time. Shoes aren’t cool. If you wear shoes it means you’re not a local as you’re not in walking distance of all the Bondi essentials. Make sure you’re seen walking around your local supermarket twice a week in your bare feet, casually checking out the organic range of vegetables.
8) If you’re in a relationship, it is essential that the woman is at least 5 inches taller than the man. Not hard as most women are supermodels and most men have been weight training from the age of 7, so their growth has been stunted.
9) When it comes to fashion it’s pretty simple. You’re aiming for a laid-back, beachy vibe - it should appear as if you’ve taken no time at all to throw your look together, when in reality it’s taken hours of careful planning and you’re styled to within an inch of your life. Girls: You can choose between two hair styles - long, wavy and dip-dyed so it looks like you’re growing out the roots, but in actual fact you’ve spent a fortune creating this ‘look’. Or, regardless of how short your hair is, you can scrunch it up in a teeny tiny little bun on the top of your head, so you resemble Buddha. You’ll wear long flowing dresses, shorts so short they could pass as underwear and floaty tops. You will look the same as every other girl in Bondi. Guys: It’s mandatory that you wear a uniform of cut-off shorts, a singlet cut low enough at the sides to give everyone an eyeful of your rock hard chest, have at least one tattoo sleeve and own about 20 different trucker hats . You will look the same as every other guy in Bondi. I see you, you’ve stopped running. MOVE!!!
10) Be heard complaining loudly about how there’s ‘always something going on’ and that you ‘just want a weekend where you don’t have some party to go to’. it’s tough being popular and on ‘the scene’.
11) Get up early. Anything past 5am is a lie-in. Constantly remind people that you are amazing and motivated by uploading pictures everyday (which all look the same) of the sunrise at Bondi - which naturally will be snapped during your 20million km run.
12) And finally…and most importantly, never look a non-local directly in the eye, you might catch something hideous like obesity or ugliness.
And there you have it. Follow those few simple rules and you too could become part of the in crowd. No need to thank me people, you’re welcome.